Mad World
by Lucy Maria Elmer
Summary: It's the Christmas after Dianes termination of Steves baby and she can't get into the Christmas spirit.


Mad World  
By Lucy Maria Elmer

A Diane Lloyd story.

Warning : Angsty and sad Christmas fic.

No copyright infringement intended. I just love to dip into the world of Holby.

It's nearly Christmas. I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be full of the Christmas Spirit, full of the joys of the season...but I'm not. Instead I'm numb.

I've tried so hard to feel happy. I suppose I should be glad this years coming to an end, and I suppose to any one else I look like I'm enjoying the holiday season just as much as the rest of them, but they don't know. They have no idea how much my hearts aching. How I put on a front so they can't tell that in all reality I'm falling apart. How I could hardly even bear to put my decorations up this year because I feel guilty. Because I feel as though I don't deserve to be happy. Because of what I did.

It hadn't been as bad these past few months. I suppose that's one thing I've got to thank Kelly for. What's been going on in the hospital has kept my mind off how close its been getting to Christmas, instead we've all been focused on who exactly could have been doing the dreadful things on the wards. But now that its over, now that we know who had been harming our patients...now I don't have that to think about anymore, and as Christmas approaches I find only one thing on my mind and I've never felt a hurt so bad in my life.

All I want is for him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. That I made the right choice. That I'm not a bad person, but he can't do that. He's hurting too. He's going through his own problems and I can't bear to burden him with my problems even though I'm sure he would be hurt if he knew I hadn't gone to him feeling like this.

I feel so safe around him. Like nothing can touch me. I know that when I'm with him that I'm with a person who would do anything they could to protect me...but then lately I've been feeling as if he's drifting away. With everything that's been going on in his life I feel as if he's slowly being torn away from me and I can't stand it. I know he's pushing me away because he doesn't want me to get caught up in his problems. I know he's ashamed of the gambling and is probably trying to protect me from seeing just what bad shape he's in but he needs me. I can see he does, just like right now I need him so badly my heart is aching. He doesn't want me to see he's vulnerable, as a person who can't protect me anymore but he's the only person who can. The only person I want to and I only wish he'd let me help him like he's helped me.

When I was treating Kelly he was the one person I wanted with me. I didn't mind treating her on my own, its part of my job, but it just would have been easier with him there because I know he would never let me come to any harm. I feel safe with him and I like that feeling. Especially now when everything's so up in the air, but he wasn't there. I was alone. Just like I am now as my world begins to crumble from underneath me.

I never thought it would be this hard. I suppose you don't really think of the consequences of your actions until it's too late. When I did it I felt so numb, but now.... Well let's just say I wish I could feel anything other than what I'm feeling now.

It hurts so much. Every time I see families out shopping, the children so excited that Santa's going to be coming and bringing them what they wish for the most I can't help wishing that I'd made a different decision. When I see pregnant mothers with their unborn children safe inside them I can't help wondering what things would have been like now if it had been different. Then the tears come.

What kind of person am I if I can't be happy for others? For the children who are so excited about Christmas? For those women who would soon be blessed with the best gift of all? The same kind of person who ran away from the responsibility of motherhood I suppose.

Deep down I know that I probably wasn't ready to be a mother otherwise I wouldn't have gone through with the termination. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. How could I have raised a baby on my own? How could I have been a mother when I'm so career driven? When I can barely even take care of myself? But then I suppose if you want something badly enough you make it work, and I was too scared to think that I might actually be able to be a good mother to the child I was carrying. I think that was scarier than the pregnancy itself.

I never thought of myself as a maternal person. I've never really thought about children so I suppose its not surprising that when I found out about my baby that I was in complete shock. I didn't even think twice before I asked for the termination. Baby's hadn't up until then been part of the equation, especially a child who I would be raising on my own.

For the rest of the day I just felt numb, not able to comprehend the fact that for the past seven weeks there had been a child inside of me that I hadn't even known was there. I took that as a sign that I wasn't ready for motherhood. How could I be a mother to a baby I hadn't been able to admit to myself I was carrying? Other women who find out they're pregnant are overjoyed, but I wasn't. I was scared to death and what do I do when I get scared? I run. And I did.

Rather than think things through longer and rather than letting myself feel something for my baby I had the termination because I think I was too afraid to admit that I could go through with it. That maybe I was ready. Sometimes it's easier just to be in denial that you might be able to, or want to, do something so ultimately life changing than it is to go through with it. I wanted things to go back to how they were before rather than for them to be different forever, but they are different forever. They always will be. It didn't matter what choice I made.

It's Christmas Eve today. I'm sitting in my flat with the Christmas lights on and music playing trying to at least feel something other than the intense sadness that I feel right now. But I can't. It's not going to happen because if things had been different I would have still been pregnant now. I'm not saying I made the wrong choice, it's just hard knowing that I made the choice I did without really thinking about it first. I jumped to conclusions, backed myself into a corner, saw no other way out and now I'm feeling the pain of the decision I made.

I keep wondering what it would have been like if I'd have kept my child. Whether I would have had a hard pregnancy, how I would have dealt with it, what everyone would have thought when they found out I was carrying a dead mans baby. Christmas would have felt so different this year. I'd either be in the last stages of pregnancy now or I would have already had my child and that's why it's so hard. It's why I feel so guilty.... So empty inside.

I cant help thinking how I would have heard its heartbeat now and felt it move inside me. It must be such an incredible feeling to feel your child moving inside you like that. I deprived myself of that feeling. I deprived myself of feeling my baby grow inside of me, of holding it when it was born, of watching it grow up and recording all of its firsts, its first words, its first step...the first time it called me mamma.... I deprived myself of motherhood and I did it through fear, and now once again, like every other Christmas all I feel is empty and sad and alone.

I'd give anything to have him hold me now. To go back in time. To make everything right because this hurt is so hard to bear. Maybe it'll be better when Christmas is over. Maybe it's just because now is the time where my baby would have been born that I'm feeling so immensely sad. Maybe in the New Year when this milestone has passed...what would have possible been my child's first Christmas...what would possibly have been my first Christmas as a mother...maybe then I'll feel better. Maybe not. Then there'll be the anniversary of Steve's death, my baby's father. Then there will be what would have been its first birthday...then it will be Christmas and I'll be in exactly the same situation as I am now, thinking what if.

I know that as the years pass by it won't hurt as much, but I also know that the hurt will never go away. I feel as though it's set up a permanent residence in my heart. One day I'll know what its like to feel a baby move inside of me, to hear its heartbeat, to carry it for nine months and then hold it when its born. One day I won't be scared and I'll be a good mother, I know I will.

I also know Christmas will never be the same. Not for a long time. There are many more tears to be shed. You see you don't know what you're missing until you don't have it. Have a Merry Christmas won't you?


End file.
